Annoying Relatives: If You Can’t Beat Them, Make Fun of Them

I’m multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time. ~T-shirt

Holidays are a fun time to spend with family members and friends.  Except when the crazy, boring and/or cranky ones show up . . . the ones that nag you about being too fat, too thin, too single or the passive-aggressive jerks who generously lavish you and everyone else with backhanded compliments. They are not fun.  Yet there they are at all the big family gatherings co-mingled among the peeps you do like. They’re like those big Brazil nuts (that NO ONE likes) in the cocktail nut bowl mixed in with the yummy cashews, almonds and pecans, only you can’t pick them out and leave them on the end table and hope the dog comes by and makes them disappear.

They’re there and you brace yourself for their annoyingness.  I believe you should avoid annoying relatives the vast majority of the time, but there are times when you choose to tolerate them.  On these occasions, it’s helpful to turn family drama into fun with your family.  But how? My teacher, Martha Beck, came up with a brilliant solution, she calls it Dysfunctional Family Bingo.

Heres how you play: first you will need additional players. Conspire with a few of your friends who are also dreading certain Brazil nut type relatives and friends during the holidays.  Each player creates a 5×5 card and fills in the squares with scenarios and situations that make them cringe and that they expect from the relatives in question. For example, you know your sister-in-law will come into the kitchen every half hour to ask what’s taking so long to get the meal ready, and, without offering any help, she will remind you of the starving masses waiting on your self in the other room for you to feed them . . .your cousin will dredge up the summer you were fourteen and got caught, repeatedly, making out with that boy who was always up to no good and get your mom all worked up about it again. . .Your brother’s science fiction obsessed twins will get stuck in the laundry chute and destroy your blow dryer while attempting to access the fourth dimension . . .These anticipated scenarios earn a place on the card.  Every time a family member does the expected thing that makes you want to fashion a noose just for them, check it off on your card.  Keep your phone handy and text your friends when each event occurs or simply wait until you can claim Bingo! Whatever cracks you up the most.

Now instead of dreading these people and events, you kind of look forward to them because you agree with your friends that whoever gets Bingo first (or has the most spots filled in) gets treated to a lunch by the others. Let the games and craziness begin.

No One Has To Change But You

If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude. ~Maya Angelou

This weekend I showed my 7 year old daughter, Sara, how to put her hair up into a ponytail. This is a skill I had avoided teaching her because of her extremely low tolerance for making mistakes, her preoccupation over her physical appearance and a low threshold for frustration—favorable conditions to fuel the perfect tantrum. Over the past few weeks, I had become completely fed up with her attitude and drama. Her temper was out of control, she was disrespectful, mean and totally unpleasant to be around. While I was feverishly researching ways to fix my daughter’s behavior, I had flashbacks to several unpleasant exchanges I had with her recently–she wasn’t the only one who was losing it. I was highly reactive to Sara’s volatile emotions and instead of staying calm and neutral, I bought into her emotional experience and spiraled down into an angry and frustrated place with her. Bad choice.  I’m sure if asked to assess my behavior, my daughter would probably say that my temper was out of control, that I was disrespectful, mean and totally unpleasant to be around. I knew there was no way I was going to help my daughter manage her emotions if I couldn’t get a grip on mine. So that’s where I started, where it always has to start: with me.

I used all the information I gathered about behavior modification for Sara and applied it to myself. When my daughter argued that she would never learn how to put her hair up properly, that she can’t do anything right, I didn’t take the bait.  When my daughter blamed me for everything from the texture of her hair to the ponytail elastic falling out of her hand and onto the floor, I met her anger and frustration with emotional neutrality and patience. Admittedly, it took an enormous amount of focus and commitment to stay calm and neutral, but the results were mind-blowing.  After about 20 minutes, with very little drama, my daughter had learned how to put her hair up into a ponytail by herself and she was very pleased about that. More importantly, she learned that her assumptions that she can’t do anything right and that other people are responsible for her successes and failures were completely false.  She would have missed out on those lessons if I hadn’t reigned in my own incorrect assumption that my daughter needed to change her ways without me needing to change my own approach and behavior.

This isn’t a happily ever after ending, it’s an ongoing process.  It requires conscientious and quality effort. I will still be challenged to keep it together when my daughter loses it, I will screw up again, I’m certain of it, but I’m also okay with that because I know I will learn something valuable that I can use to make the next challenging situation better. I can always choose to change course when the path I’m traveling isn’t taking me where I want to go.  It’s hard to teach that concept to others unless I’m practicing it myself.

It’s crazy, but common, to expect other people to change their behavior–something we have little to no control over–to make us happy. The truth is the only behavior we have to change to be happy is our own. Fortunately, it’s also the only behavior we have 100% control over. That doesn’t mean we don’t influence others with our behavior, in fact, when we modify our own behavior for the better, it will often be met with better behavior from others.

How Not to End Up Penniless and Alone

 

One of the problems we humans have is the tendency to think too much. Don’t get me wrong, not all thinking is problematic: planning, preparing and finding solutions are some examples of commendable uses of our high-powered brains.  The kind of thinking that bums me out is worrying.

Here are some examples of things I have heard people worry about out loud (and the end result they inevitably fear):

If I don’t make X amount of cash soon, I’ll end up penniless and alone

If I don’t get into better shape, I’ll end up penniless and alone

If I blow this opportunity, I’ll end up penniless and alone

If I don’t clear up this ginormous zit by this weekend, I’ll end up penniless and alone

We humans mostly fear being penniless and alone.  You’d think we would mostly be afraid of death, but, no, some people actually choose death as a way to not face the possibility of ending up penniless and alone (think of the stories of people who end their own lives because they think their reputations will be ruined or their fortunes will be wiped out . . .). I bet you have a fear that if you follow it all the way to it’s most negative conclusion, you find that you also end up some version of penniless and alone. It’s not a very fun game to play.   The good news is that when you see it written out, it looks a little silly, doesn’t it? It’s all so serious when it’s floating around in your noggin, but put it on paper and it starts to lose its hold on you.

It gets better . . .when you actually challenge these scary thoughts you start to find that they aren’t absolute or even based in reality.  Most of us aren’t where we want to be in some area of our life, I suspect if we were, it would be game over—which is probably why it takes most of us a lifetime of learning, growing, trying and failing to get to where we are going.   Very few of us take the opportunity, however, to just acknowledge where we are. If you happen to be penniless and alone right now, take a look around and notice that you are still here and I presume out of immediate life threatening danger.  That’s good.  Many more of you have shelter, food in your belly and at least one person in your life you call a friend.  That’s even better!  If you can add more to that list of stuff you’ve got going for you, you are doing quite well.  If you still want more that’s fine, too! Only now instead of worrying about what you don’t have use that powerful brain of yours to plan, prepare and find solutions. There’s no reason to end up penniless and alone, just a slight shift in your thinking can help you start getting what you want.

 

It’s All About the Va Va Voom

Maybe some women aren’t meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free til they find someone just as wild to run with them. ~Carrie Bradshaw (Sex and the City)

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m unique when it comes to the romantic relationship department.  After many fascinating chats I’ve had with women and men, I’ve come to realize that I don’t seem to do romantic relationships like most people I know, nor do I want the same things they do.  Most notably, the idea of a long-term commitment to anyone or anything makes me nervous (I got a little antsy just signing up for a 2 year contract to get my iPhone).  Yet, I was married for 11 years. Since I was confused and disappointed most of that time, I visited the self-help aisle frequently over the life span of my marriage. I’ve read a lot of books from many different  “experts” and took in their perspectives on relationships, love and sex. None of those books spoke to me–they didn’t get me.  I mean, if you come away from a freakin’ self-help book still feeling grossly misunderstood, where do you go?  Therapy, right? Been there, too: couples and individual, but therapy felt like live, in-person, pricey extensions of the self-help books.  I just ended up feeling more like there was really something fundamentally flawed about me because I didn’t want what I was told the rest of the population seemed to want.

I finally consulted a resource that I never fully trusted in the past, but it was my last resort.  I turned to me. It’s been working out pretty well.  Coaching myself through my own love life has been messy work at times, but, seriously, someone has to do it.  It turns out that when I really listen to myself, I actually like what I have to say on the subject. I don’t try to sell myself on the traditional concepts of romantic involvements, instead, I just ask myself what satisfies me and then I go out and get it. I’m finally able to respect the fact that I just do things differently–not better/worse, more noble or less–just differently from other people.   Maybe it’s all the hours of self-coaching I’ve put in, maybe it’s the wisdom and confidence that comes with age, but I am finally at a place where I can say if it ain’t fun, it ain’t for me. The last thing I want to do with my precious time and resources is work at making a relationship fun.  Working at fun doesn’t even make sense in my universe.  I have friendships that I foster and participate in, but it never feels like a chore. All those times I strolled down the self-help aisles never once did I see (or need) a book on how to make your friendship work or how to keep things fresh with your bff.  There are other examples of things in my life that don’t require babysitting in order for me to enjoy it. Dancing and physical activity, my first and longest lasting loves, never get mad at me if I don’t check in with them or if I refuse to include them in other activities.  We’re cool like that.

I’m not a big fan of absolutes, I don’t believe in forever anything, but whether we’re talking about Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now, I do know that I won’t be caught dead in a romantic situation where chemistry takes a backseat to friendship, companionship, security or some other thing I already have in my life. I have friends (and I’m eternally grateful for them). If I couple up with someone, it will be because there is something mind-blowingly exciting about being with that other person and he offers something that I just can’t get with my friends (I’ve ruined a perfectly good friendship by getting romantically involved with and then marrying my best friend, and, fortunately, our friendship was completely salvaged by our break-up—apparently, I don’t do separation and divorce like most people, either).  I can say all of this because I’m totally okay on my own, I don’t NEED a mind-blowingly exciting relationship anymore than I NEED a ginormous closet filled with high-end designer bags, clothes and shoes—would it be nice and would I enjoy them thoroughly and deliriously if I did have these things, hell yes! Would I sacrifice an ounce of my freedom and fun that I already enjoy for it, hell no, not in a million years.  I only trade up. I don’t trade down.

I’m not waiting for anything to happen, but I’m prepared for an adventure anytime, anywhere.  That’s true when it comes to a romantic adventure, that’s true when it comes to a life adventure. I didn’t show up to live life timidly, I came here to burn it up. So far it’s been an interesting trip, but I’m always in the process of pimping my ride, and I suspect it’s going to get a lot more interesting and exciting as I let go of the last remnants of external expectations I’ve been dragging around with me.

There’s nothing holding us back ever, just the make believe limits we place on ourselves.  When we’re ready to let go of those limits, we’re ready to experience real passion in life and, I gather, in love.   It’s a risk I’m willing to take, because in life and in love the ho hum is no substitute for the va va voom, and I’m all about the va va voom.

Take a Vacation

I had a hell of a week. Lots of excitement for sure and some pretty major disappointments sprinkled in for good measure (including a stomach virus that landed me in urgent care and some news that really just bummed me out). Thankfully, I was scheduled for a vacation this weekend.  How did I know so many months ago that I would totally need one? I knew I was pretty smart, but this was pure genius.  So, off on vacation I went with my fun and supportive girlfriends.  Thank God for girlfriends.

I stayed up late, I slept in and I took a nap. I got in trouble with hotel management by using the pool umbrella as a pole to get my aerial acrobatics on (I have a penchant for snapping souvenir photos of me doing aerial tricks on objects that could pass for a pole . . . ). I took 3 showers in one day. A cute inebriated guy approached me by the pool and kept asking me the same 5 questions over and over again, thinking they were brand new questions (normally, I’d have walked away from this sort of thing, but, seriously . . .what else did I have going on at that moment?  He was amusing, so I let myself be amused.).  I ate sushi. I danced.  I giggled and talked girl-talk with my friends.  The sweetest housekeepers cleaned my room and left me extra bottles of water while I was being served breakfast downstairs. I met a new friend. I lounged by the pool.  I had a blast.

It was the exact combination of events that I needed to take place in order to downshift from the week I had just come off of. Whatever heaviness followed me to the resort had evaporated by the time I left.  Blowing off steam is good. If you’re about to blow your stack, schedule your vacay now, stat.  Some of you may have trips planned for this summer, but that’s not the same as a vacation. A vacation is all about you, just you doing what you want, when you want, how you want and respectfully telling anyone who doesn’t like it to bugger off.  A trip usually involves dependents or some family member you are somehow obligated to bring and it most likely includes some manual labor (for example: if I’m cooking, it’s a trip, if I’m taking care of children, it’s a trip).   Trips are fine and even fun, but they’re no vacation.  Take a vacation.

There Is No Finish Line

Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts. ~Winston Churchill

When I lose the extra weight, I’ll feel good about my body.  When my career takes off, I’ll relax. When I’ve accumulated enough money, I’ll feel secure.  The most recent one I heard, when I find a romantic partner, I can get on with my life, made me chuckle.

We tend to see our goals as static objects: once we reach them, we’re done.  The truth is that our goals are living organisms.  This is especially true for our long-term goals. Reaching a goal is just the beginning, then it’s about looking after it, caring for it and doing our best to make sure it thrives.  Achieved goals require maintenance.

So many of us are in love with the happily ever after concept.  It makes for tasty, tidy Hollywood endings. It’s fun entertainment, but it is a crappy model for goal setting.   Then there’s the concept of maintenance.  At best, we tend to think of maintenance as something that is boring and unsexy (like getting your car’s tires rotated), at worst we confuse it with something that is a struggle and painful (like holding on tightly to a challenging relationship or a new dress size).  It sounds really un-fun.  But I think we need to change the way we think about maintenance, because it’s what works after the movie has ended. Maintenance requires effort, no doubt about it, but it should never feel like a struggle.

I’ve lost weight and struggled with maintaining it, and then I’ve lost weight and put in effort to maintain it.  The latter feels much better and far more satisfying.  Why? Because when I approach maintenance from a place of effort (as much or as little as I want to give) I’m in far greater control of my life and my circumstances.  I like that.   When I struggled with my weight, I was working against myself: forcing myself to avoid this or that food, soldiering through extra workouts to work-off any extra calories I may have consumed and punishing myself if I did neither.  Not enjoyable at all.  Putting effort into my weight maintenance is different.  It’s not about how much I move or eat, it’s about checking in with my mindset.  The real work happens inside of my head, not outside of my body. When I catch myself feeling anxious or stressed about ANYTHING, I know there’s a thought that needs my attention and I make the necessary adjustments right then before I end up anywhere near the kitchen in a feeding frenzy. I have learned that there is no upside to avoiding my feelings and thoughts and that there is tremendous value in addressing them and authentically changing them when necessary.  I could just distract myself: sit and watch TV, surf the Net or eat. . .but the few moments of effort I put into my kind of maintenance keeps me from ever struggling with maintenance.

If you have a goal you really want to achieve, first get clear on how badly you want it and why.  Are you clean about it? By this I mean do you feel happy and excited about it (clean)? or do you feel anxious and stressed about what will happen if you don’t achieve it (dirty)? Once you achieve this goal, will you want to give it the love, care and attention—the maintenance–it requires?   Or are you just hoping for a happily ever after ending?  One choice empowers you, the other choice leaves you feeling powerless. I know which one I choose, and it’s a choice I practice making over and over again.  It is effort, it is clean and it is beyond worth it.

Are You Hot For You?

I always play women I would date. ~Angelina Jolie

I once fell so hard for a guy that it completely rendered me unrecognizable. Whatever this guy saw in me in the first place was replaced by a painful neediness and clinginess in the end. My fierce independence gave way to desperate dependence, my sense of adventure and risk-taking yielded to a hollow craving for security and soul-sucking guarantees. I made one person responsible for my happiness and it wasn’t me.  Consequently, I was eating this guy alive.  It wasn’t long before boyfriend ran for the hills. Good for him.  I’d do the same and so would anyone who had a sense of self-preservation.  That’s the point.  In no way would I put up with someone who needed me so much that I felt trapped by their bottomless hunger for love and approval. I mean, ew.  This wasn’t a romantic relationship issue, this was a relationship with me issue.  The question I should have stopped to ask myself was do I want to date me?

This question forces me to examine my preferences about the company I like to keep and I can tell you that I would not have chosen to keep the company of the woman dating the guy above.  At the time I fell for this guy, I didn’t like myself very much and deep down I was really hoping he’d figure out a way to like me enough for the both of us.  That is a tall order: expecting someone to want to date me when I didn’t want to date myself. Expecting someone to like me when I didn’t even like myself.

Being someone I want to date is a process and requires maintenance.  It starts off with unconditional acceptance and love for myself. To cultivate this I do things that I love and that feel good to me. From there I take responsibility for my own emotional state (see my previous post) and then I show up as my authentic self without apology. I no longer water myself down for anyone.  It turns out that I’m incredibly attracted to independent, risk-taking, bold, adventurous individuals who are crazy about themselves. I’m successful at being a person I want to date about 80% of the time now. I’m also learning how to be easy with myself during the other 20% of the time.  I find that by being a person I want to date, I also end up attracting other people who find my authentic-self appealing and choose to hang around me.  With these people I can connect, share and enjoy their company without needing to take approval and love away from them.  That is such a relief for all of us involved.   I still get disappointed when people don’t act or treat me exactly the way I want them to (my kids are amazing teachers here . . .), but I’m discovering that they are only showing me where I need to step up my game when it comes to satisfying my own needs and expectations.  I’m a work in progress, for sure, and that’s cool.  In fact, I love that about me.

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner.  Perfect. This presents an excellent opportunity to check in with your expectations about relationships, especially with yourself.  If you find your romantic life is disappointing, ask yourself would I date me?   Don’t wait for someone to sweep you off your feet, sweep yourself off your feet and then simply be open to others who want to be around your fabulous, filled-up self.  Now that’s hot.

Choose Your Feelings, Let Others Choose Theirs

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. ~Eleanor Roosevelt

I used to believe that I was responsible for the feelings of others.  This belief led me to make a lot of choices I would end up regretting. I once let a woman I worked with borrow my most favorite sundress for a weekend, even though I knew she was irresponsible with other people’s things.  It was one of those moments where I knew I was going against my better judgment, but I allowed her to borrow it anyway because I wanted her to think I trusted her–I didn’t want to hurt her feelings.  I let a few weeks pass before I asked about my dress (again, I didn’t want to seem too anxious and risk making her feel bad).  She told me someone had stolen it from the locker room at her gym. Looking back, I can see that I had neglected to consider the only person whose feelings I could totally control: me.

Today this situation would have gone down much differently, I would have considered my own feelings first and let my co-worker down gently and without reservation.  I might still have that sundress today, too.  It was super cute.  In the time since the sundress debacle, I have discovered that the people I have tried the hardest to please, ended up being the people who either didn’t notice my efforts or never seemed satisfied by them—and my efforts to please always cost me my own happiness. It was a lose-lose situation. I now know that if I attempt to please myself first, at least one person comes away happy.

I also learned why I believed I could control the feelings of others: I believed that other people had the power to control my feelings.  If that really hot guy called then I felt wanted, if a friend complimented me on my appearance, I felt validated and if someone cancelled plans with me at the last minute I felt crushed. I realize now that I am fully responsible for my own feelings and that means I get to decide how to interpret the actions and words of others and how I react to them.  While a compliment is always nice to hear, it can only be fully appreciated if I believed it before it came out of the other person’s mouth. I have to compliment myself first.  The same goes for a cutting remark, if I harbor any mean thoughts toward myself, I am likely to take a critical comment personally and turn it into a judgment against me—what I already think about myself is what I’ll see mirrored back to me in the other person’s remarks. My work is to clean up the unkind thoughts about myself so that the compliments resonate and the non-constructive criticisms do not.

When I started looking out for my own feelings, I stopped looking to others to make me feel good about myself—I let everyone off the hook.  I happen to know not everyone is pleased with the my-feelings-first approach, but those who aren’t also happen to be the very same people who weren’t pleased when I tried so hard to make them feel happy in the past.  Go figure.  The good news is that they are free to choose their own thoughts about what it means when I put my feelings first, that’s their responsibility and I am so okay with that. I get to enjoy authentic connections with people because I’m not trying to manipulate anyone’s feelings, the pressure is off. By honoring my feelings first I’m encouraging others to honor their feelings first, too—whether they do or do not is completely up to them.

Getting Clear: Cleaning Up My Communication Style

Last weekend I attended an amazing workshop led by horse whispering life coach Koelle Simpson.  I knew I would be learning some really cool tools and strategies on how to better manage my energy (and boy did I!), but the most valuable lesson I learned was how necessary it is to be crystal clear about what I want.

Working with the horses showed me exactly what my energy communicated: a jumbled mess.   The first time I attempted to get a horse from the workshop to move in a direction I wanted, I was really hopped up on high manic energy and the thought I will make this horse do my bidding! I had heard a lot about join-ups (getting the horse to think you’re okay enough to lead him around) so I thought I was the bomb when the horse did this without me initiating it.  The problem here was that I didn’t initiate or communicate this to the horse, he just decided to do what he felt like and I let him. I told myself this is how I wanted this to go down and called it a success.  In reality, my intention was to jog him around the ring a few times and then have him join-up.  At one point, Boyd Varty, who was co-coaching with Koelle asked me do you know what you want the horse to do right now? and I had to admit that, no, I really didn’t.  I thought I had everyone (especially me) convinced that my communication style was direct and clear, but at that moment, my lack of clarity was as obvious as a Lady Gaga outfit. I’d been in this situation before. With my children, I’d thought I’d been clear when I asked them to go to bed and told them I expected them to stay in bed and with my ex-husband I thought I’d been clear when I’d told him we really should just be friends and never get romantically involved—in both cases my words communicated one thing and my energy broadcasted something entirely different.  Consequently, the results I yielded from both of these circumstances looked very different from what I wanted.

So now that I knew what the problem was, I wanted to figure out how to make it right. This is what I learned about communicating clearly and I knew if it helped me, it would surely help others (this can be applied to your family members, bosses, spouses, neighbors, God, the Universe or anyone else you communicate with):

• Figure out what you really and truly want. I made a list of qualities that I wanted my relationship with my children to reflect—Koelle made me get really detailed with this: for example, peaceful was not going to cut it, however, I would like my children to go to bed peacefully and stay in bed without my involvement was much more clear.  Listing my intentions was a good start, but the intentions lack teeth without the proper energy and actions to back them up.

• Set and maintain your boundaries. If I intend for my children to go to bed and stay there, it’s a good idea to have some follow-up actions lined up in case they feel like testing the boundaries of what I expect.  Since my girls share a room, I separate them when they start causing each other heartache, ironically, they hate being separated even if one has the other helplessly trapped and screaming under a plastic bin. I always let them know beforehand what the consequences are if bedtime becomes a hassle, and I don’t hesitate to follow-through when they challenge the limits I set. I separate them without any emotion or judgment on my part (takes some practice, especially when they are freely sharing their criticisms and feedback with me).  It turns out that, as do horses, children appreciate people who know how to set boundaries for themselves, especially if they are assuming a leadership role.  It demonstrates that they have the ability to keep not only themselves, but also their dependents safe from harm.  Becoming a doormat does not win brownie points in the animal or children kingdom.

• Stay in your own positive energy.  It doesn’t matter what my children are doing.  If they are acting up, I don’t have to join them by getting tangled up in their chaotic vibe.  I can put my attention on my own positive feelings, creating scenes in my mind if it helps (go to my happy place) and bathe in that.  If my kids are wilding out, they can do that while I’m blissfully recollecting the time I had the house all to myself for two full days and nights until they are finished. They’re going to finish whether I add to the drama by yelling and acting out alongside of them, or if I just remain calm. My experience is that my children finish their episodes much quicker when I maintain my serenity. I can also help them manage their energy more effectively when I’m present and relaxed.  They are much more inclined to pay attention to me when I’m engaging them in a focused, but calm manner.  Also, it’s just no fun trying to get a rise out of Mom if she’s not buying into the bedtime games.

• Let go of any attachment to the outcome. I just stay focused on feeling good, I don’t tell myself any stories about how I really hope my children will give me a break and listen to me, but, seriously, who am I kidding? They do this every night, why would tonight be any different? But I will seriously lose it if they don’t go to bed now! My kids don’t give a hoot about what I’m saying, but they can certainly sense my lack of clarity about what I truly want and expect. I say I want a peaceful bedtime situation, but my energy reveals the fact that I lack confidence in getting what I want.  I personally can’t remember ever responding favorably to anyone who made a desperate request of me then became unstable and agitated when I didn’t deliver whatever it was they thought they wanted.  Why would I expect my kids to react any differently?  If I’m clinging to the outcome or telling myself something about the situation that simply feels gross (like my kids should do what I say when they’re doing quite the opposite . . .), I take that mess to Inquiry.

The good news is that I’ve been practicing these strategies all week and they totally work! I have noticed a marked difference in my girls’ demeanor and how they respond to me. They are calmer, more peaceful and more relaxed around me—they are mirroring the energy I consciously choose to generate around them.   Whenever I do catch myself being unclear, disrespecting my boundaries, getting caught up in someone else’s energy, or attaching to outcomes, I know it only takes a moment to correct the situation and I’m back to leading my own life again and communicating what I truly want effectively.

The Thing You Must Do

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do.

 ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

This weekend I attended a gathering that consisted of some of the most amazing people I have ever met, including my teacher, Martha Beck. I could write an entire post (or 5) about this experience alone. But I will limit myself to just this one–for now. One of the things I learned this weekend is that it is vitally important to be around supportive, encouraging people, especially when you are about to dive head first into your deepest fears. My longstanding fear has been deep intimacy, be it romantic, friendly or familial. This weekend I discovered that the very thing I was afraid to do, risk being a completely vulnerable weepy mess, was the very thing that set me free and allowed me to experience a profoundly deep connection with others. Consequently, I found myself sharing an intensely real and moving moment with people I had only met hours before. Now I know I can do vulnerable again and again until I’m a complete pro at it, but there had to be the ice-breaker.

There is something you must do, too. Maybe it’s leaving an abusive spouse, taking control of your health, leaving a well-paying (but soul-sucking) job, or finally telling the guy at the bagel shop he’s been getting your order wrong for the last 6 months that you’ve been coming in to the joint. I know, it’s highly personal, very risky and super scary. It’s easy to shrug off this responsibility and claim that it is either too much trouble or that you are happy enough, but you and I both know that is some stinky bull caca. The truth is that doing the thing you think you cannot do is the only way you are going to accomplish all the extraordinary things in life you know you must. It is part of your life’s work and, like it or not, no one can do it for you–even if they could, they wouldn’t do it as brilliantly as you.

I highly recommend doing the thing you think you cannot do with the encouragement and support of your people, the people who think you can do anything (if you are surrounded by discouraging people, the thing you must do now is stop going to them for support – that’s like trying to draw blood from a turnip, it’s not going to happen my friend). Reconnect with your people if you have lost touch. If you feel you are without your people and feel you are alone or misunderstood – I promise you, you are neither. Know that you are in good company. At the very least, know that I am right beside you doing the thing that scares the crap out of me. Underneath the fear there’s a part of you that’s really excited about this, right? That’s what following your bliss feels like. I suggest you see where it takes you.