Home > Food and Weight > Weight loss/gain/loss. . .

Weight loss/gain/loss. . .

So I managed to drop 4 dress sizes over the span of, like, two months  (and, get this) I wasn’t even trying!  I know, some of you are thinking, “ooh, I hope she shares her diet secret – I, too, want to drop large amounts of weight in the least amount of time”.  So here’s the secret: I stopped eating.  BTW, I don’t recommend – in any way, shape or form – this approach to weight loss.   A lot was going on in my life, both exciting and sad (like discovering that I was young, healthy and deserving of happiness but also seeing my marriage round it’s final laps), that led me to completely lose my appetite. For whatever reason, when I’m super stressed I stop eating. Mild stress is a totally different story – more on that later.  

So now I’m a thinner version of myself and people are noticing and giving me all this positive attention. For about a year I thought I was super special because I had this rockin’ bod.  A bod I got without trying to get.  Then I heard the voice in my head say, a whisper at first, “what happens when you start eating again?” (Note: If when I mention “voice in the head” and you start thinking “what voice in the head? she must be insane or something, who hears voices in their head?” that thought you just had is comparable to the voice in my head) The whispers grew louder until one day I was completely obsessed with staying thin.
Okay, this is a good place to mention that I’m a compulsive person.  I’ve indulged in all the following compulsions   (this is not an exhaustive list, people, and in no particular order): eating, sex, fussing over my hair, researching pediatric sleep, shaping my eyebrows to open up my eye, eating, fussing over my general appearance, exercising, cleaning, dancing, “being spiritual”, practicing bulimia, annoying people with my political activism, jockeying for social status, bullet-proofing my health, doing any kind of research, worrying over my grades, worrying over my job performance, worrying over my sexual performance, eating, opening my shoulders for a better backbend, practicing stellar housewifery skills, eating . . . I don’t mention these things because I am proud of my behavior (although, you have to admit, that is a pretty impressive list of things most people would rather lose a limb over than disclose), but because they have played a pivotal role in my spiritual development. I’m happy to report that I’m over all of those compulsions.  Except one.
I am currently studying to get my license to be a sex worker – just kidding.  No, my spiritual teacher of the moment is eating.  For good reason, too, I think.  It’s something I must do everyday, multiple times a day, in fact,  and I’m given an opportunity at each meal or snack to investigate what feelings and thoughts come up for me, thereby releasing my need for any compulsive or self destructive behavior (i.e. indulging in more food than my body needs).   I have heard this process described as simple, but not easy.  I concur.
Recently, I have gained 5 lbs – not dramatic, but noticeable on my 5’1″ frame, especially to my favorite pair of skinny jeans.  Now, my identity of “special super fit girl” is totally threatened and my ego (aka “voice in the head”) is completely freaking out.  Six months ago, this would have convinced me that I needed to get on the The Biggest Loser or otherwise somehow manage my weight tragedy.  The difference between now and then is I’ve learned some tools to help me dis-identify from my obnoxious ego.  I am in the process of losing the excess weight, but my motivation, now,  stems from my desire to understand why I’m eating past fullness in the first place, especially when I derive more pleasure by fitting in to my skinny jeans than I do from eating the 4th handful of tortilla chips (considering that I lost both functionality and pleasure with my 2nd handful).  My fitness, or it’s diminishment, is really a symptom of my relationship with my thoughts. It has little to do with self control, will power or intelligence. This is excellent news, because I didn’t so well on my SATs, especially that math portion, blech.
In following posts, I will share these cool tools I am learning to use and  incorporating in my life. I will also let you know if they are helping and which ones help the most.  You are reading about a work in progress. I’m sure once I take the weight off, maintenance will bring up a whole new whacky set of challenges, but I’m ready. My old thought patterns are tired and prove time and again that they don’t serve me or my thighs.  I’m ready for something new and improved.
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