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Are You Hot For You?

I always play women I would date. ~Angelina Jolie

I once fell so hard for a guy that it completely rendered me unrecognizable. Whatever this guy saw in me in the first place was replaced by a painful neediness and clinginess in the end. My fierce independence gave way to desperate dependence, my sense of adventure and risk-taking yielded to a hollow craving for security and soul-sucking guarantees. I made one person responsible for my happiness and it wasn’t me.  Consequently, I was eating this guy alive.  It wasn’t long before boyfriend ran for the hills. Good for him.  I’d do the same and so would anyone who had a sense of self-preservation.  That’s the point.  In no way would I put up with someone who needed me so much that I felt trapped by their bottomless hunger for love and approval. I mean, ew.  This wasn’t a romantic relationship issue, this was a relationship with me issue.  The question I should have stopped to ask myself was do I want to date me?

This question forces me to examine my preferences about the company I like to keep and I can tell you that I would not have chosen to keep the company of the woman dating the guy above.  At the time I fell for this guy, I didn’t like myself very much and deep down I was really hoping he’d figure out a way to like me enough for the both of us.  That is a tall order: expecting someone to want to date me when I didn’t want to date myself. Expecting someone to like me when I didn’t even like myself.

Being someone I want to date is a process and requires maintenance.  It starts off with unconditional acceptance and love for myself. To cultivate this I do things that I love and that feel good to me. From there I take responsibility for my own emotional state (see my previous post) and then I show up as my authentic self without apology. I no longer water myself down for anyone.  It turns out that I’m incredibly attracted to independent, risk-taking, bold, adventurous individuals who are crazy about themselves. I’m successful at being a person I want to date about 80% of the time now. I’m also learning how to be easy with myself during the other 20% of the time.  I find that by being a person I want to date, I also end up attracting other people who find my authentic-self appealing and choose to hang around me.  With these people I can connect, share and enjoy their company without needing to take approval and love away from them.  That is such a relief for all of us involved.   I still get disappointed when people don’t act or treat me exactly the way I want them to (my kids are amazing teachers here . . .), but I’m discovering that they are only showing me where I need to step up my game when it comes to satisfying my own needs and expectations.  I’m a work in progress, for sure, and that’s cool.  In fact, I love that about me.

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner.  Perfect. This presents an excellent opportunity to check in with your expectations about relationships, especially with yourself.  If you find your romantic life is disappointing, ask yourself would I date me?   Don’t wait for someone to sweep you off your feet, sweep yourself off your feet and then simply be open to others who want to be around your fabulous, filled-up self.  Now that’s hot.

  1. sharon
    February 8, 2010 at 7:15 pm

    so true and so well written. thanks for articulating the need for women to be happy with themselves before sharing themselves with others. great job!

  2. Bonnie
    February 8, 2010 at 8:48 pm

    Love this post! A very cool reminder that we are responsible for are own happiness, even when it comes to romance. Thanks, Emiko! : )

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