Home > Relationships, Uncategorized > It’s All About the Va Va Voom

It’s All About the Va Va Voom

Maybe some women aren’t meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free til they find someone just as wild to run with them. ~Carrie Bradshaw (Sex and the City)

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m unique when it comes to the romantic relationship department.  After many fascinating chats I’ve had with women and men, I’ve come to realize that I don’t seem to do romantic relationships like most people I know, nor do I want the same things they do.  Most notably, the idea of a long-term commitment to anyone or anything makes me nervous (I got a little antsy just signing up for a 2 year contract to get my iPhone).  Yet, I was married for 11 years. Since I was confused and disappointed most of that time, I visited the self-help aisle frequently over the life span of my marriage. I’ve read a lot of books from many different  “experts” and took in their perspectives on relationships, love and sex. None of those books spoke to me–they didn’t get me.  I mean, if you come away from a freakin’ self-help book still feeling grossly misunderstood, where do you go?  Therapy, right? Been there, too: couples and individual, but therapy felt like live, in-person, pricey extensions of the self-help books.  I just ended up feeling more like there was really something fundamentally flawed about me because I didn’t want what I was told the rest of the population seemed to want.

I finally consulted a resource that I never fully trusted in the past, but it was my last resort.  I turned to me. It’s been working out pretty well.  Coaching myself through my own love life has been messy work at times, but, seriously, someone has to do it.  It turns out that when I really listen to myself, I actually like what I have to say on the subject. I don’t try to sell myself on the traditional concepts of romantic involvements, instead, I just ask myself what satisfies me and then I go out and get it. I’m finally able to respect the fact that I just do things differently–not better/worse, more noble or less–just differently from other people.   Maybe it’s all the hours of self-coaching I’ve put in, maybe it’s the wisdom and confidence that comes with age, but I am finally at a place where I can say if it ain’t fun, it ain’t for me. The last thing I want to do with my precious time and resources is work at making a relationship fun.  Working at fun doesn’t even make sense in my universe.  I have friendships that I foster and participate in, but it never feels like a chore. All those times I strolled down the self-help aisles never once did I see (or need) a book on how to make your friendship work or how to keep things fresh with your bff.  There are other examples of things in my life that don’t require babysitting in order for me to enjoy it. Dancing and physical activity, my first and longest lasting loves, never get mad at me if I don’t check in with them or if I refuse to include them in other activities.  We’re cool like that.

I’m not a big fan of absolutes, I don’t believe in forever anything, but whether we’re talking about Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now, I do know that I won’t be caught dead in a romantic situation where chemistry takes a backseat to friendship, companionship, security or some other thing I already have in my life. I have friends (and I’m eternally grateful for them). If I couple up with someone, it will be because there is something mind-blowingly exciting about being with that other person and he offers something that I just can’t get with my friends (I’ve ruined a perfectly good friendship by getting romantically involved with and then marrying my best friend, and, fortunately, our friendship was completely salvaged by our break-up—apparently, I don’t do separation and divorce like most people, either).  I can say all of this because I’m totally okay on my own, I don’t NEED a mind-blowingly exciting relationship anymore than I NEED a ginormous closet filled with high-end designer bags, clothes and shoes—would it be nice and would I enjoy them thoroughly and deliriously if I did have these things, hell yes! Would I sacrifice an ounce of my freedom and fun that I already enjoy for it, hell no, not in a million years.  I only trade up. I don’t trade down.

I’m not waiting for anything to happen, but I’m prepared for an adventure anytime, anywhere.  That’s true when it comes to a romantic adventure, that’s true when it comes to a life adventure. I didn’t show up to live life timidly, I came here to burn it up. So far it’s been an interesting trip, but I’m always in the process of pimping my ride, and I suspect it’s going to get a lot more interesting and exciting as I let go of the last remnants of external expectations I’ve been dragging around with me.

There’s nothing holding us back ever, just the make believe limits we place on ourselves.  When we’re ready to let go of those limits, we’re ready to experience real passion in life and, I gather, in love.   It’s a risk I’m willing to take, because in life and in love the ho hum is no substitute for the va va voom, and I’m all about the va va voom.

  1. May 18, 2010 at 4:10 pm

    Emiko, where have you been all my life?

    I came by via a friend who re-posted your latest blog post, and reading around in here I’m falling in love with you…what a great attitude you have!

    I can entirely identify with not wanting what everyone else wants or says you should want…ugh. Congratulations on finally listening to your inner, fabulous self and becoming an intriguing, joy-filled, sparkly person!!!

    Looking forward to reading more,

    ~ Shauna

  2. May 18, 2010 at 4:38 pm

    Hi Shauna!

    Thanks for stopping by my page and for giving a shout out! Kindred spirits rock. I’m totally loving your kind words, thanks!!

    “Shoulds” definitely suck, I gave them up, way too draining and a crappy return on investment 🙂

    Stay fabulous and keep in touch!!


  3. May 23, 2010 at 8:42 am

    Hey Emiko
    Love your blog and really enjoyed the last podcast too.
    Love xx

  4. May 24, 2010 at 4:53 am

    Thanks Maxine!


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