Home > Uncategorized > Falling Apart, Pulling It Together

Falling Apart, Pulling It Together

I’ve had a challenging month. I learned that my eldest daughter has a learning disability coupled with behavioral issues that require extra academic support (and extra patience I have difficulty locating). I have also had to scrap an ambitious business plan that I had going on for this year due to some external circumstances (including, but not limited to, the reallocation of resources to my children). These two things led me to question my fitness as a parent and as a human being . . . and I was pretty hard on myself.  As if that wasn’t enough trauma, I was late to my hair appointment and did not get the fabulous blow out my stylist usually has time for (a treat I look forward to every six weeks).  Pout.

I’m really good at getting things done, so my first inclination was to put it in gear and fix what was not working.   Good plan, except I was totally overwhelmed and drained by the challenges I was faced with and that competed with my burning desire to solve each problem ten minutes ago.  The only option I had the energy for, which also brought up tons of resistance from me, was to let everything fall apart and sit in the mess for a while. I hate that. But I let the suckiness of each situation run over me, I relinquished control and gave in to a really hot cry. I do this so rarely, that I forget how amazing it feels sometimes and it really did feel good. So I did it a few more times. Call me a hedonist.

I got really into it.  In fact, I think I took it too far.  I moped around, felt out of sorts, and I took my frustration and anger out on my loved ones (sorry loved ones).  Then it just stopped feeling good and it started feeling really crappy, so I moped around about that, too.  Then I realized something about my challenges, they put me at a crossroads: I can either choose to step up my game or I can choose to step out of the game.  Neither one of those choices involve moping.

Sometimes in order to take control of a situation, I have to let go of it first.  I have to let stuff fall apart to see what I’m working with so I can come up with a better plan or maybe even discover that I don’t really want to work with it at all.  That’s where I am now: sorting through the fallout of my situational (and emotional) meltdown and salvaging the pieces that I can work with and discarding the pieces that hold me back.  It can be messy, hard work, but when I focus on one challenge at a time, divide it up into smaller challenges, suddenly, I’m working with one teeny tiny challenge and I can totally conquer that little thing. Then I can move on to the next tiny little challenge. I may not get it done in the lightning fast timeframe I prefer, but I’m getting it done.  It feels like the best possible use of my time, especially since I’ve already decided that I won’t be spending any more of it moping around.

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  1. Lynn
    June 21, 2010 at 9:02 pm

    “Let everything fall apart and sit in the mess for a while.” That is a line I am not going to forget anytime soon! It so perfectly describes that state of surrender that I fight, fight, fight, but that is sometimes so very necessary in order to let go and move on.

    Beautiful, touching, authentic, and thought-provoking post. Thank you for sharing your true self!

  2. June 21, 2010 at 9:41 pm

    Lynn,

    It’s really a dance isn’t it? Knowing when to take action and knowing when to let go. I’m good at the taking action part, it’s the letting go part that I have issues with, lol. Thank you so much for your sweet words, it’s easy to write about stuff I’m actually going through, it’s very fresh on my mind and crazy therapeutic!

  3. June 22, 2010 at 3:36 pm

    Great job Emiko -alot of authenticity and truth….yes letting go takes time but finally feels better. 🙂 Ned

  4. Christine Davies
    June 22, 2010 at 7:42 pm

    Strange (but not really) that this would happen coming back from the fabulous coaching summit we both attended in Colorado. I suspect there is no accident here and love what you say about choosing to step up to the game or step out of it. I think that’s a perfect takeaway. I had a weird week myself last week too. I’m back in the game now. Thanks for that thought.

  1. July 7, 2010 at 9:14 pm
  2. August 19, 2010 at 7:15 pm

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